29 años. Soñadora. Creativa. Parlanchina. (makeiri) wrote,
29 años. Soñadora. Creativa. Parlanchina.

I wish I could be kinder to myself

Never enough, always stuck.
Cycles of hurting and feeling alone.

I am sick.

Yes, my body aches. My fever still spikes occasionally. I can barely hear and the constant pain in my head is making it harder to concentrate.
But I am sick on the inside, too. I feel hurt. Malnourished and bare, a shadow of the once happy soul that wanted to spread warmth all over the place.
The way I see it, I have let the little flame inside my heart turn weak. Fear, the feeling of not being enough, the feeling of being unloved, unheard...
It is all so silly. Because I KNOW I am loved. Because there are people who care.

I have brilliant friends that inspire me with their passion and warmth. I have beautiful friends, who check up on me and call me to ask for guidance or just to know if I am doing better now.
I have my eternal pals at Twitter. Always on the lookout, especially when out of the blue I need to attend for an emergency checkup for the first time in my life.
Someone who actually cares enough to bring me WARM SOUP to my apartment when I was feeling my worst.
My parents, who might not agree on a lot of the things I do, but who always remind me they are there for me.
My sister, who has made it her job to loathe those who have hurt me in my place, since I can't bring myself to hate them, no matter how much hurt they might have caused.

So many people care.
So many people are there.
And yet, I still feel lonely. I still feel like no one can quite understand why I let certain things get to me.
And sometimes, I am sick of myself too. I am tired of my complaining, of there being a situation or a drama every couple of days. And I am trying.
I really am.

I try to keep order, I try to be smart. I work hard and keep myself updated on literature important to me. I check up on my friend's lives, I try to be there for them.
I go to therapy, I talk about what aches, I talk about my fears. I share my thoughts and feelings, in an effort to sort them out and to learn. To let go. To be better.

But the truth is that I am too tired. Never enough, always stuck. No matter how hard I work, no matter how many wonderful things I might do or deliver, it is never enough for them.
Because I have not met the quota for what they expect of me. Me, someone who is still feeling lost and lonely in a path of research that, even though I love and I feel very blessed for this opportunity, still, somehow... feel like I have absolutely no idea of what to do.

There is so much I want to do. There is so much I wish to share with the world.
But first I have to fill their quota and hope they accept my efforts as enough.

And yes, life is like that. Corporate schools wishing to rank better are like that. I just have to accept the rules of the game and work harder. Become better. Learn. Work. Deliver.

But... do I really need to always give myself the same internal pep talk over and over again? Is it really worth it, reminding myself of how lucky I am to have this chance, and that I should really make the taxes that pay my scholarship worth every cent? Why do I keep pressuring myself, hurting myself telling me that I am not doing enough, that there are not enough results, that nothing I do is Q1 material? Where is the growth in that? Where is the kindness?

I wish I could be kinder to myself. I wish I could actually bring myself to sleep 8 hours every single night. I wish I could drink enough water to help my body heal faster. I wish I could keep myself confident that, no matter how hard things might look on the outside, my value as a human being is never at risk.

I wish I could believe more in myself.
I wish I could be gentle.
Maybe even sweet.

I am tired. I am just too tired all the time and I have no idea of what I can do to make things better.
So I will allow myself a moment to feel. To understand. And to let go.

There is work that needs to get done.
Deep breath. It will be okay.

Here we go.


Tags: letters, myself

  • Lindo Atardecer

    Acabo de terminar una junta que terminó durando tres horas. A pesar de que fue una junta muy larga (que originalmente se había planeado…

  • Starting the #90daywritingchallenge ⁠

    ¡Saludos, lectores del futuro! Esta es la primera vez que me doy oportunidad de escribir en este espacio desde que presenté mi…

  • Early Morning

    Hoy desperté a las 8:45 de la mañana. Empezó el seminario del doctorado a las 9 de la mañana y me ha tocado escuchar a…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.