November 3rd, 2020

Mental Haze

You Can Ease Inflammatory Arthritis Brain Fog with These 12 Tips for a  Sharper Mind – CreakyJoints

Waking up after a day like yersterday feels confusing.
I wake up disoriented, confused.
I feel like there is something that I must remember, something that happened... but I can't quite put my finger on it.
This feeling lasts only for a few seconds.
Eventually, the haze inside my head lifts and I remember.
And the sadness comes.
The realization that a new day has begun, and that things that can't be changed happened makes my eyes glaze with fear.

The days following a day like yesterday are always obscure.
Work meetings take place.
My friends keep posting happy Instagram stories about their lives.
The world seems to keep turning, life keep moving.
But even if it's just a minute, I lie still.
And silently pray.

I welcome a  new morning in silence and prayer, sorting through the confusing feelings in my chest.
I can only hope that there will be peace following this crazy year.
I am tired of getting proved wrong over and over again whenever I think that things can't get worse.
I have control of absolutely nothing.
Uncertainty is the only thing I know for sure that lies ahead (ironic, isn't it?)
I can only hope and wait.

Hazy mornings like this one are temporary.
Maybe tomorrow morning, my head will contain less haze.


Wordcount: 4155

The world is holding its breath

"Oh America... you great unfinished symphony. You sing for me...!"

Dear fellow american friends and family: The whole world is looking at you.
We are all holding our breath. Waiting. Hoping. Praying.
I won't delve into politics. But I can say that today has been a roller coaster of emotions.
It has been hard to put some distance between what is happening in the outside world and my written words.
I am trying to keep calm. I am trying to remain positive.
Regardless of the outcome, I want to believe the world will find a way to forgive and join forces, for the good of humankind.

I am so tired of division.
I am tired of the hate.
Conflict, left and right. Fingers pointing. Sarcastic comments. Fear.
Oh, the fear is tangible.
And here I am.
Just another 29 year old in this world experimenting a moment in history that will probably go down in the books of human history as one of the most critical points in time.

And I can't help but wonder... what is it all for?
Is it to learn to forgive? To not let outside factors derail us from out path to getting to know ourselves?
The only thing I know for certain right now is that... if I allowed the outside world to rule how I feel, I would probably be more of a mess than how I currently am.
Putting some safe distance, at least for a momentary instant for peace of mind, has made all the difference.

The love of my life is American. I just can't pretend that the outocome doesn't affect my life. Or my future.
But the truth is,  I have no say and no vote in this election.
The only thing I can hope for is that people will be sensitive enough to avoid hurting others if they are not satisfied with the result (and that applies for both sides)

There is enough pain in the world already.
Please... can we just... stop trying to hurt each other?
The stupid virus is doing enough. And from what I can perceive, it is going to get worse... and worse.

Fear and uncertainty have been a sort of brand for 2020.
I am praying that, at least in these last couple of months... that brand can change.

* * *
About the Sky

I wanted to write about 2020 in this year's NaNoWriMo because a lot has happened in it that I think is worth remembering.
I guess tonight, I would like to talk about stars, the sun... the sky.
The sky has been a small comfort. The silent stars that shine their light from far away have made me sigh in relief.
When I put things in perspective in regards to the universe... all my worries seem so little...!
A beautiful pink sunset stops my endless worrying, even if it's just for a moment or two.
And a couple of days ago, we were blessed with the biggest and brightest blue moon.

I wish I could go someplace far away from all the lights in the city, just to look up at all the stars in the night sky.
One of the prettiest skies I have ever seen was in a bus ride in Egypt, on the way to some ruins.
The bus went through a road that had no lights other than the headlights the bus had.
Unable to fall asleep, I looked out the window and up at the sky.
I silently cried.

The sky was so beautiful..! And every couple of minutes, I would catch a shooting star.
I started to ask for wishes. Slowly but surely, I started to count all of my shooting stars.
Truth is, eventually... I lost track. There were so many of them!
It would be a lie to say that I was surprised. I was way more than that.
Was that a special night for some reason?
Was it a special shooting star event that seemed to align with that fateful bus ride?
I will never find out the answer.
Maybe, someday, if fate aligns.... I might have another wishful night.

The sky has always been something that helps to keep me calm.
When I am going through the worst pain, fear, or heartbreak, the bright blue infinite above my head would help me calm down.
And maybe it was because of the whole representation of what the sky is to me that I seek symbols that connect me to it.
Stars, a cloud, the moon... the sun!

I have always considered the sun to be my personal symbol. I just love it's warmth.
Once, someone told me I was the Goddess of the Sun.
I still remember that with fondness and gratitude. Those were good times.

A couple of months ago, I bought a star projector.
I wanted to surprise Richard with it, but the surprise was cut short when he realized I had accidentally put the order on his card. (Ooops)
I changed the order to my card, of course. But the surprise was up.
Still, Richard was shocked when he saw the star projector work.
It fills the whole ceiling with beautiful stars. (And it has a ton of color options, too!) and he confessed to me that he had been expecting something with way less quality, lol.

I miss lying next to him, watching our make believe stars swirl in our own personal sky.
Hopefully, we will soon be together again, side by side.

You know, if the world doesn't end first and whatnot haha.

* * *
Today has been the biggest struggle when it comes to writing.
I just can't seem to concentrate.
I have pending work to do, a podcast to edit, and Google the cat needs attentions and lots of pets.
Sadly, today she woke up feeling a little ill.
I am happy to report that after lots of pets and love, she finally reached for her food bowl.
When she began to eat... I cried. Again.

Will there come a day I don't need to fear that she will starve herself to death?
I know she is no kitty (she turned 11 this summer) but... the last couple of weeks, she had practically gone back to normal.
She has been sleeping in my bed every single night. In the morning, she wakes me up with her purrs and her meows.
I love her so much... she has been a part of my life for so long now.

I fear the future. I know that, statiscally speaking, I will probably be alive by the time she needs to transition and leave this life.
But deep inside, I know that all I can do is face one day at a time.
And just hope that she has enough strength left in her to stick around for as long as she wants.
I just... love her too much.
I want her to be okay.

Between the mournig process, being aware of all the pain and hardships those who I love are going through, election night, my sick fuzzy cat....
I just want to curl up and cry.
But I am trying my best to stand strong, even through all the uncertainty.

I know that, even though being stuck alone in my room might make it feel like I am alone, I really am not.
I know there are people out there who care.
People who, like me, might be feeling a little scared.

It's okay.
All of this will pass.
Hold the ones you love close to your heart.

Tomorrow, we will face whatever comes next.


Wordcount: 5,423