Un Mensaje de Amor para Google en el Día de su Partida



Amada Google,

Desde que llegaste a mi vida empezaste a darme lecciones eternas.
Primero... el tema de las expectativas.

Yo tenía 17 años. Estaba a punto de cumplir 18 años y empezar lo que, en ese entonces pensaba, sería mi vida de adulta jóven.
Yo quería un gatito negro con ojos verdes que fuera macho, para que me hiciera compañía y me viera como la luz de sus ojos.
Pero ese día de mi cumpleaños 18 llegaste tú. Una gatita pequeña y hermosa de 3 meses con ojos azules y pelaje blanco. (Aunque al momento de tu llegada, pensábamos que eras varón jeje).

Aprendí en ese instante a aceptar que la vida te presenta con lo que realmente es mejor para ti, aunque no sea lo que estabas esperando.

¡Eras tan pequeñita cuando llegaste conmigo!  Aquí la primera foto que nos tomamos juntas en esta vida:



Hoy, por última vez, te cargué en mis brazos, igual como en esta fotografía. ¡Me dio tanto gusto ver todo lo que habías crecido! Realmente tuviste una vida hermosa, ¿verdad mi bebé? Sé que hicimos todo lo que estaba en nuestras manos para hacerte sentir cómoda y amada. Porque te amamos Googs. Te amamos mucho.

Ay Google... ¡tocaste tantas vidas! Te he leído en voz alta desde la mañana todos los mensajes que me han llegado de ti. Creo que las personas cercanas a mi saben lo que significas, pues cada que hablaba de ti me desbordaba de amor. E incluso ahora que escribo esto lloro pero agradezco y digo: ¡Gracias vida! ¡Gracias por dejarme compartir 11 años de esta existencia con una compañera tan carísmatica, inteligente, amorosa y dulce como Google! Honro y celebro tu vida, aunque el llanto no me deje dormir; porque sé que con el tiempo aceptaré que no estarás aquí de forma física, pero que desde otro plano... sentirás todo el amor que te mando cada vez que cruces por mi mente.

Google, estuviste ahí en todas mis rupturas amorosas.
Me viste crecer, llorar y equivocarme miles de veces.
Más de una vez fui a dormir en llanto... y llegabas a acostarte en mi pecho para darme terapia gatuna con ronroneos amorosos.
Y aunque no se me borraba la tristeza mágicamente... me sentía amada por alguien... y en los momentos más oscuros, eso era lo único que necesitaba.
Y tu estabas ahí para darlo. Te agradezco tu amor.

¡Honro tu vida, Google! Y te agradezco por haberte quedado un mes más en este mundo, para que pudieramos pasar tiempo juntas. Yo había estado fuera de México los últimos seis meses. Si hubieras partido sin poder ser yo la que te sostuviera en esos últimos momentos, hubiera vivido siempre arrepentida. Y creo que lo sabías... ¿verdad?

Me esperaste. Y estuviste conmigo. Cada día, a cada instante. Este último mes fue el último regalo y te agradezco con toda el alma que decidieras quedarte un ratito más. No te voy a mentir, te extraño. Pero te siento. Y sé que estás bien. Y que sabes lo mucho que te amamos y te extrañamos.

De aquí en adelante, cada 11/11 procuraré escribirte una carta para actualizarte un poco de cómo va la vida (aunque sé que siempre me acompañas, digamos que es más como una manera en la que busco honrarte por el rol que jugaste en mi vida). Siempre elegante, tenías que ser. Partiste a los 11 años el 11/11 del año más difícil de mi vida.

Pero esa también es una lección. Acepto que la muerte es parte de la vida.
Y sé que tendré que vivir y aceptar el duelo; pero me da confianza que no tendré que atravesar por esto sola.

Te seguiré escribiendo. Hoy mis ojos ya no pueden más, y sé que lo entenderás. Pero esta es la primera de muchas cartas que te estaré mandando a donde estás.

Te amo con todo lo que soy,

Monse

An Early Christmas Dinner



Today my family surprised me with something I didn't quite expect.
Knowing that we will (probably) not be together on Christmas Eve, we had a special early Christmas dinner tonight.
My sister ordered food from TOKs (one of my absolute favorite restaurants) and we all requested our favorite Christmas meal (I personally had some turkey with lots of gravy, yum!)
My dad ordered a bottle of our family's favorite champagne (the one we drink every New Year's Eve) and we sat down and had the meal, the four of us.

Mom and dad gave a toast.
First, dad talked about expressing ourselves in a more loving way, in order to avoid conflicts that are unnecesary, specially in uncertain times like this.
Mom finished her toast my raising her glass and saying: To unity.
And we toasted and while we took our first sips of champagne, a silent understanding vibed around the table.
"We are in peace.
We love each other.
Be safe. Take care.
Go live your life, but don't forget we will be here for you whenever you need us."
And in my silence all I could say back in my head was: "I know. I know. I love you. Thank you."

There are a lot of stories out there in the world that talk about the hardships of being a teenager.
There are millions of novels that talk about love, about hearbreak, about growing up.
But I have now realized... I haven't quite found a lot of literary works that focus in setting the pace to live like an adult.
I mean... sure. Teenage years are a challenge and uhm... I am glad so much has been written or talked about the hardships that include dealing wtih a changing body, mind and heart.
But what about when you're done growing up?

I have been an adult for a while now, and while I pay my bills and take care of my taxes, I still feel a knot in my stomach when my dad says "We are lucky you are visiting us right now. We are happy to have you here. But we are aware that more ocassions like this will become rarer and rarer with the pass of time. So we will cherish each moment thoroughly."
Change is coming. I can feel it. And I know they can, too.
But at least for tonight, we cheered and we talked and we laughed, with background Christma Carols and delicious food in our plates.

My mind has been going to very dark places these last couple of days.
Inside of me, there is a tiny voice whispering: "What if this is out last Christmas dinner? What if things don't get better for the next year? What if someone gets sick...?"
But I have decided to stop living with fear in every step.
Instead of fear, I'll keep the faith. And I can only thank that my family was kind enough to take me in consideration and allowing me to be there with them, celebrating our early Christmas and New Year's Eve.
I am the luckiest. And I am thankful.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Wordcount: 14201

An Open Letter to the Man I Love



Dearest Richard,

Happy Monthversary!
I won't lie, it has felt like an eternal wait for this day to roll around since October 7th.
A lot has happened since then.
I came back to Mexico and re-adapted myself to being away from you.
I feel proud of our good communication and I thought I would see you again by Tuesday November 10th (since we were planning on going to our friend's wedding) but... oh  boy.
Plans didn't exactly work out how we had envisioned, huh?
First, the fear of losing Google the cat took over (along with terrible allergies) and when things started looking like they would calm down, I had an accident and needed emergency eye surgery.
From there on out, recovery has been slow and a little painful, not to mention that every single day for the last week has been bad news upon more bad news.
I've lost track of how many times I've cried on the phone in the last month.
Be it out of fear, mourning, anger (at irresponsible people who still don't seem to take the pandemic situation in consideration at all) you have heard every words and tried to give me advice on how to deal wih these situations, and that is the best gift I could ever ask for.
We might not be able to attend the wedding together, but I am waiting and praying that our new plan checks out and that we will be able to see each other soon, if things are meant to work out.
One step at a time.
Thank you for being my best friend, advisor and companion through these very hard times.
I love you with all my heart.
M

Tratando de Encontrar la Respuesta



Dije que iba a escribir mi NaNowriMo en inglés este año. Pero he decidido que no lo haré para esta entrada.
No quiero hacerlo en inglés. No quiero preocuparme por el orden de mis ideas. No quiero limitarme a caber en una caja en la que no me siento cómoda.
Anoche no dormí después de una larga conversación que no llevó a ningún lado.
He llegado a tal punto de desesperación que siento que puedo gritar, llorar, suplicar y enojarme, pero no sirve de nada.

La realidad es esta: Estamos viviendo en una pandemia. Este es un evento histórico que ha transformado la vida de millones de personas.
Me ha tocado ser testigo y escuchar de aquellos que han sufrido por el virus, sea porque les tocó experimentarlo o porque alguien que aman tuvo que pasar por el.
Lamentablemente, también me ha tocado escuchar sobre personas que no pudieron recuperarse y que tuvieron que trascender.
Y me duele. Me estruja el corazón.
A donde quiera que volteo, el mundo está lleno de dolor, de miedo y de incertidumbre.

Al principio, pensé que podía confiar en las personas a mi alrededor.
Seguramente las personas serían cuidadosas, ¿no?
Consideradas.
Pacientes.
Capaces de ponerse en el lugar del otro y tratar de evitar cualquier acción que pudiera ponerles en riesgo o que pusiera en riesgo a los demás.

Pero la vida me ha dado suficientes cachetadas para saber que no es así.
Que las personas son egoístas.
Que prefieren su comodidad antes de asegurarse que otros no se arriesguen.
Que exigen y ponen expectativas de que el mundo debe de seguir marchando como si nada estuviera pasando... cuando la realidad es que no es así.
No es así.
No es así.

Creo que la gente no logra dimensionar el peso y el dolor hasta que empiezan a experimentarlo en carne propia.
Viene una nueva ola de contagios y entonces es cuando dicen "oops... quizás el virus realmente sí anda por ahí".
Ya no sé cómo explicar o justificar por qué considero que hay que ser compasivos y amables con los demás.
Hay que evitar ponernos en riesgo por razones que, una vez que estás viendo a tus seres queridos conectados a un ventilador, te cuestionas y dices: Ah... quizás pude haberme evitado esa vuelta, esa salida, esa reunión.
Quizás, sólo quizás... las personas se conscienticen y se den cuenta de que no era el momento para exigir que fuera la gente a tomarse una foto a la oficina. Quizás existe la posibilidad de que... lo prudente sea que antes de un evento grande, se le solicite a todos los participantes que estén encerrados en casa al menos 15 días antes, sólo para tratar de aminorar el riesgo.

Pero no veo que muchas personas en mi círculo lo vean así.
Hay personas aburridas que ya quieren regresar a la vida normal.
Hay personas que (francamente, desde mi opinión) imponen su ego y sus planes por encima de todo lo demás, dejando el bienestar o la salud de las personas en segundo lugar.
Quieren seguir con su vida como si las cosas pudieran marchar como siempre... y la realidad es que no es así.

Y ¿saben?
Siento que la vida está dando señales. Pistas. Pautas.
La vida dice: Reconsidera. Acepta el cambio de los planes. Haz un re-ajuste. No te arriesgues sin más.
Pero la humanidad es muy terca.
No queremos escuchar.
Ponemos en prioridad el dinero, nuestro entretenimiento y nuestro ego que todo lo demás.

Y eso me ha hecho perder la fe en muchas personas.
Me ha obligado a aceptar que me siento decepcionada de muchas personas que antes tenía en un pedestal.
No me cabe en la cabeza cómo se puede ser así de egoístas y cabeza hueca como para no ver el mapa completo y comprender que quizás, sólo quizás, esta no es la manera de actuar.
Pero... ¿quién soy yo para decirle a las personas lo que deben de hacer?
Cada quién debe tomar sus decisiones. Yo sé que yo he tomado las mías.

Desde que todo inició, he cuidado y protegido lo mejor que he podido a las personas a mi alrededor. Yo también me he cuidado.
Y cada vez que salgo del umbral de mi hogar, lo hago consciente de que, si es lo que corresponde, aceptaré las consecuencias de mis acciones, sabiendo que tendré que enfrentar lo que deba de llegar.

Lo que me pesa y me duele en el corazón en este momento, es sentir que me quedo sin salidas.
O que las salidas que debo de tomar no son porque yo las decidiera, sino porque era necesario hacer las cosas de esa manera, ya que es lo "socialmente correcto".
¿Y todo a qué precio?

No puedo comprenderlo y me cuesta digerirlo.
Mi brújula moral me está diciendo a gritos que no colabore o apoye situaciones en las que no me siento cómoda.
Ya me vi en la necesidad de poner distancia con otras situaciones porque me percaté que estar cerca de esos escenarios me hacía mal.
En honor y memoria a todos aquellos cuyas vidas se vieron transformadas por las circunstancias que han sucedido.. ¿cómo se supone que quiera actuar normal?
En este instante me siento atada de manos y que me están pidiendo que me calle y que actúe de formas en las que no quiero actuar.
¿Y lo peor?

Que debo actuar así, o simplemente alejarme. Retirarme. Desterrarme, hasta cierto punto. Y eso es algo emocional.
¿Cómo se supone que pueda visualizar un futuro prometedor cuando los únicos caminos que veo por delante es que debo de vivir en angustia y alejarme de todo; o que debo de atender a situaciones en las que seré miserable y que pondrán en riesgo todo aquello que he tratado de proteger?
Ya entendí mi lugar.
En este caso, mi salud o mi bienestar emocional no son la prioridad.
Y me siento lastimada y decepcionada de ello.
Yo sí he puesto a los otros en prioridad.
Ahora me considero ingenua, porque pensaba que si se tenían que tomar decisiones sobre de qué manera enfrentar las cosas, sería en equipo.
Pero si la sugerencia es que me aleje y sólo sea testigo u observadora del riesgo que se debe de tomar... entonces ¿qué punto tiene que esté cerca en el primer lugar?

¿Por qué tiene que ser esto una decisión?
¿Por qué?
Me siento alejada. No puedo confiar ni expresar lo que siento en realidad, porque si lo hago... siento que me juzgarán.
Sólo me quedaré callada.
Ya me cansé de luchar.

Ya me cansé de tratar de explicar por qué considero que no es buena idea.
Ya me cansé de tratar de convencer a las personas que lo humano no es querer pretender que no está pasando nada en realidad.
Ya me cansé.
Estoy harta. Cansada. Desgastada. Deshecha.

* * *
Cambio drástico de entrada porque me percaté que falleció alguien más.
La noticia, como siempre, fue una bomba que no veía venir.
He roto a llorar una y otra vez a lo largo del día, y estoy cansada y desgastada.
¿Acaso vale la pena registrar esto? ¿Todo este dolor y tristeza?
Una parte de mi se siente tentada a esconder esta entrada y no dejar que mi dolor sea visible, seguir tratando de pretender que todo está bajo control.
Que todo lo puedo controlar bien.

¿Pero cuál es el punto de tratar de mantener las apariencias?
Ya me cansé de pretender, así que lo diré con todas sus letras: Tengo miedo.
Y me siento aterrada de lo que está pasando en el mundo, porque por todos lados veo dolor, tristeza, coraje y depresión.
Más y más, veo la incertidumbre. Y la desesperación por estar viviendo en tiempos limitados e inciertos.

Ya no sé qué hacer o con quien hablarlo.
No quier ser negativa, no quiero ser la persona que evitan porque es pesado mantener con ella una conversación.
Dudo mucho que sea la única que se siente así a ratos... ¿hay alguien más?

Alguien dígame que no estoy sola y que alguien allá afuera se siente igual.
Por favor.

Wordcount:  12272

In a Rush



The clock just struck 11:11 pm and I realized I had to write my entry for the day.
My stomach dropped and I hurried to my keyboard.
Why? Why did I leave this fot the last minutes of the day?
But then I think back on how tired I have been ever since Google threw up yesterday and it kind of makes sense.
I am close to my limit, I only have enough brain power to keep myself sane and keep up with my direct responsabilities.
Work has been busy, I have a paper whose corrections need to be ready for tomorrow afternoon, I just finished editing a new Jollyville Radio episode (we are on episode 17! Hard to believe. It has been a blast so far) and I have been keeping up with the chaotic elections in the US.
Too close to call anything but... well. The world is holding its breath, as I said last night.
And it makes sense.
It seems that, regardless of the result... there are a lot of conflicts that will need to be resolved in the future.

I have decided to take it one day at a time.
Ask my loved ones how they are doing.
Check up on those who I know who are currently ill.
And pray. Hope. Wait.

I officially had to tell Monse (yes, we are named the same. I have grown fond of the fact that we are both called Monse and that our significant others are called Richard hehe) that I can't attend to her wedding next Wednesday.
It was one of the most challenging texts I have written this week, but I decided to be upfront and say it with all the letters: I just want to make sure your wedding is 100% safe, for you and your family.
One less pair (because, clearly, Richard won't be joining the festivities in person either, we have already rescheduled his flight) of persons in the ceremony will mean less risk for all the atendees.
I will definitely be joining virtually, though.

I am both excited and a little sad that this will be my first (of many?) virtual weddings.
Things just can't go back to how they were.
Trying to move on with our lifestyles like everything is normal is just not possible.
Reality is ready to strike back.
And when it strikes... boy, does it hurt!

I just want to do the best I can to keep the people that I love safe.
But I guess that in the process, I have somewhat neglected myself.
I had been so stressed with the whole "maybe I can't go to Monse's wedding" situation that I stopped eating for a whole day.
Anxiety. Stress. Worry.

My body isn't very happy, and I can't say I blame it. I should definitely start taking better care of it.
Today, I made a point of going downstairs and eating a healthy salad with some protein.
I just re-filled my Yeti with ice cold water and I am doing my best to finish it off so that I can have another refill before I go to bed.
My sleeping schedule is currently beyond repair. I will try to work on it, little by little.
I just have to make sure to keep track of my oxygen levels and my temperature.
I have to make time so that I can focus in taking care of myself.
Wait for it. Feel it out. Hope for the best.

Other than that, I have been feeling good.
Maybe a little worried about work, but nothing that I can't tackle away by the end of the week.
I have to refocus my strategies, tho. I definitely want to give better results.
Slowly but surely, I will learn and apply.
Taking it slow, one day at a time.


I have been trying to give my mind a break from all the noise coming from my fears, my pain and my doubts.
It hasn't been easy to try and let go of certain topics that seem to be stuck in the back of my head all the time, but today, as I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing for a while... I felt a little comfort. Maybe even a little hope.
For some reason, I seem to always catch myself running from one thing to the next.
There is always something going on.
There doesn't seem to be time to rest.

Rushing left and right, trying to figure out the best way to meet my goals and not deliver anything below expectation.
One things is done, and on to the next.
It just seems like a never ending test.
And I am tired of that.

So instead of fighting against time, I will abide to it.
I will take my time to figure out my plan of the day, but I will make sure to put away some time to be by myself.
I need to reschedule my chaos in order to make the time to write entries daily, at least for this month.
If I am going to accomplish that, I really need to pull myself together and be ready to make adjustments.
Because instead of trying to do everything at once, I want to give it time. Focus.
Stop rushing.
Seriously, I want to stop the rush.

I love adrenaline, don't take me wrong.
But the world as a whole has been asked to stand still, to stop moving.... to stay put, even if it's just for a moment.
And I want to listen to that instinct. I want to listen to that inner voice.
I want to take the time to reflect, and to thank every single day for the lessons that have presented themselves in my path, because every single day (even though I haven't left my house as of late) has given me too many things to think about.
Thanks to the magic of the internet (and boy oh boy, is it magic) I can find out what is happening around the world second by second.
And that can be a little overwhelming.
So I will take the time to disconnect a little, every night before I go to bed.
And I will listen to my inner thoughts and thank for the lessons of the day.

It all sounds so simple and easy when I put it into written words, but my brain is constantly in a frenzy and I have a hard time slowing down enough to go to sleep as of late.
Rush, rush, rush.
Okay. I get it.
I've had enough.

I will, instead, make time to enjoy my present.
I will do everything in my power to be more self-aware.
I will re-organize my environment, so that I have time to reflect on my day.
And I will make time to write.
Even if it's just a few minutes before the clock strikes twelve.
I will make time to write and share the lessons and reflections that this year has brought.
And I will share anything and everything that seems valuable at the time, even if no one else is reading.
It gives me comfort to know that at least, this is helping ME deal with all the noise stuck in my head.
I can start seeing clearer all the different voices that keep rumbling inside my head whenever I seek silence.
I need to put it out.
Place it on the table.
Shine a strong light on it.
Take out the magnifying glass.
And face.my.fears.

Face my fear about the pandemic.
Face my fear about the economy.
About the duality of life and death.
About the fragility of it all.

Millions of people's lives have been put upside down.
And I am scared that I might be next.
That I will be unable to protect my family, and that maybe I will have a last conversation with someone I love way before than I expected.
I am scared.
And to not face those fears, I keep myself busy.
I work. I write. I color. I paint. I sing.
I call my friends. I call my boyfriend. I focus on my cat's health.
I overthink.

But it is time I stop rushing through it all and start facing each and every one of these strands with patience.
Even if my inner thoughts are not pretty, I have decided I want to face them.
I want to face my fears and start to forgive.
Forgive the people who say that masks don't work or that the virus is not a big deal.
Forgive those who prefer to raise their voice for hate rather than love.
Forgive people for being selfish. Or rude. Or both.
Forgive for all the little things that take away my peace, be it big or small.

I won't rush through it.
I will take my time.

It might not be an easy process, but I am willing to go through with it.
I think I am finally ready.

M

Wordcount: 6926

The world is holding its breath



"Oh America... you great unfinished symphony. You sing for me...!"

Dear fellow american friends and family: The whole world is looking at you.
We are all holding our breath. Waiting. Hoping. Praying.
I won't delve into politics. But I can say that today has been a roller coaster of emotions.
It has been hard to put some distance between what is happening in the outside world and my written words.
I am trying to keep calm. I am trying to remain positive.
Regardless of the outcome, I want to believe the world will find a way to forgive and join forces, for the good of humankind.

I am so tired of division.
I am tired of the hate.
Conflict, left and right. Fingers pointing. Sarcastic comments. Fear.
Oh, the fear is tangible.
And here I am.
Just another 29 year old in this world experimenting a moment in history that will probably go down in the books of human history as one of the most critical points in time.

And I can't help but wonder... what is it all for?
Is it to learn to forgive? To not let outside factors derail us from out path to getting to know ourselves?
The only thing I know for certain right now is that... if I allowed the outside world to rule how I feel, I would probably be more of a mess than how I currently am.
Putting some safe distance, at least for a momentary instant for peace of mind, has made all the difference.

The love of my life is American. I just can't pretend that the outocome doesn't affect my life. Or my future.
But the truth is,  I have no say and no vote in this election.
The only thing I can hope for is that people will be sensitive enough to avoid hurting others if they are not satisfied with the result (and that applies for both sides)

There is enough pain in the world already.
Please... can we just... stop trying to hurt each other?
The stupid virus is doing enough. And from what I can perceive, it is going to get worse... and worse.

Fear and uncertainty have been a sort of brand for 2020.
I am praying that, at least in these last couple of months... that brand can change.

* * *
About the Sky

I wanted to write about 2020 in this year's NaNoWriMo because a lot has happened in it that I think is worth remembering.
I guess tonight, I would like to talk about stars, the sun... the sky.
The sky has been a small comfort. The silent stars that shine their light from far away have made me sigh in relief.
When I put things in perspective in regards to the universe... all my worries seem so little...!
A beautiful pink sunset stops my endless worrying, even if it's just for a moment or two.
And a couple of days ago, we were blessed with the biggest and brightest blue moon.

I wish I could go someplace far away from all the lights in the city, just to look up at all the stars in the night sky.
One of the prettiest skies I have ever seen was in a bus ride in Egypt, on the way to some ruins.
The bus went through a road that had no lights other than the headlights the bus had.
Unable to fall asleep, I looked out the window and up at the sky.
I silently cried.

The sky was so beautiful..! And every couple of minutes, I would catch a shooting star.
I started to ask for wishes. Slowly but surely, I started to count all of my shooting stars.
Truth is, eventually... I lost track. There were so many of them!
It would be a lie to say that I was surprised. I was way more than that.
Was that a special night for some reason?
Was it a special shooting star event that seemed to align with that fateful bus ride?
I will never find out the answer.
Maybe, someday, if fate aligns.... I might have another wishful night.

The sky has always been something that helps to keep me calm.
When I am going through the worst pain, fear, or heartbreak, the bright blue infinite above my head would help me calm down.
And maybe it was because of the whole representation of what the sky is to me that I seek symbols that connect me to it.
Stars, a cloud, the moon... the sun!

I have always considered the sun to be my personal symbol. I just love it's warmth.
Once, someone told me I was the Goddess of the Sun.
I still remember that with fondness and gratitude. Those were good times.

A couple of months ago, I bought a star projector.
I wanted to surprise Richard with it, but the surprise was cut short when he realized I had accidentally put the order on his card. (Ooops)
I changed the order to my card, of course. But the surprise was up.
Still, Richard was shocked when he saw the star projector work.
It fills the whole ceiling with beautiful stars. (And it has a ton of color options, too!) and he confessed to me that he had been expecting something with way less quality, lol.

I miss lying next to him, watching our make believe stars swirl in our own personal sky.
Hopefully, we will soon be together again, side by side.

You know, if the world doesn't end first and whatnot haha.

* * *
Today has been the biggest struggle when it comes to writing.
I just can't seem to concentrate.
I have pending work to do, a podcast to edit, and Google the cat needs attentions and lots of pets.
Sadly, today she woke up feeling a little ill.
I am happy to report that after lots of pets and love, she finally reached for her food bowl.
When she began to eat... I cried. Again.

Will there come a day I don't need to fear that she will starve herself to death?
I know she is no kitty (she turned 11 this summer) but... the last couple of weeks, she had practically gone back to normal.
She has been sleeping in my bed every single night. In the morning, she wakes me up with her purrs and her meows.
I love her so much... she has been a part of my life for so long now.

I fear the future. I know that, statiscally speaking, I will probably be alive by the time she needs to transition and leave this life.
But deep inside, I know that all I can do is face one day at a time.
And just hope that she has enough strength left in her to stick around for as long as she wants.
I just... love her too much.
I want her to be okay.

Between the mournig process, being aware of all the pain and hardships those who I love are going through, election night, my sick fuzzy cat....
I just want to curl up and cry.
But I am trying my best to stand strong, even through all the uncertainty.

I know that, even though being stuck alone in my room might make it feel like I am alone, I really am not.
I know there are people out there who care.
People who, like me, might be feeling a little scared.

It's okay.
All of this will pass.
Hold the ones you love close to your heart.

Tomorrow, we will face whatever comes next.
Together.

M

Wordcount: 5,423


Mental Haze

You Can Ease Inflammatory Arthritis Brain Fog with These 12 Tips for a  Sharper Mind – CreakyJoints

Waking up after a day like yersterday feels confusing.
I wake up disoriented, confused.
I feel like there is something that I must remember, something that happened... but I can't quite put my finger on it.
This feeling lasts only for a few seconds.
Eventually, the haze inside my head lifts and I remember.
And the sadness comes.
The realization that a new day has begun, and that things that can't be changed happened makes my eyes glaze with fear.

The days following a day like yesterday are always obscure.
Work meetings take place.
My friends keep posting happy Instagram stories about their lives.
The world seems to keep turning, life keep moving.
But even if it's just a minute, I lie still.
And silently pray.

I welcome a  new morning in silence and prayer, sorting through the confusing feelings in my chest.
I can only hope that there will be peace following this crazy year.
I am tired of getting proved wrong over and over again whenever I think that things can't get worse.
I have control of absolutely nothing.
Uncertainty is the only thing I know for sure that lies ahead (ironic, isn't it?)
I can only hope and wait.

Hazy mornings like this one are temporary.
Maybe tomorrow morning, my head will contain less haze.

M

Wordcount: 4155

Some Letters to Heaven



Nov 2, 2020

My heart aches.
Loss is never a topic I enjoy writing about. Words seem to fail me.
I can't describe the void I feel on my chest, and it's impossible to keep track of the tears that show up unannounced and make the roof of my mouth taste like salt.
2020 has been hard. Many people who I admire and care for have passed this year.
Today, too... there was an announcement about someone who I knew in life who passed away because of covid19.

To be totally honest, I knew this person because I became really close to their significant other...
Me and his wife... we are penpals who enjoy Pokemon and cute stationary, not to mention that we always find time to snack together and talk about life whenever we are blessed with the opportunity of being in the same city for a period of time.
I knew him as my friend's loving boyfriend (at first, because I met them before they got married) and eventually, I clapped and gasped and laughed when they announced their marriage.

More than once, they welcomed me in their home at Tokyo (as mexicans, we stick together and bring a little warmth with us wherever we go) and he made smart comments about the movie we were watching (Lost in Translation) and gave some wise advice while we ate a pizza. He was kind and welcoming.

See, the thing is... I knew him as a person. A personal acquaintance.
Little did I know that behind his kind smile and calm and relaxed nature was a whole following of people online who admired his work.

Today, when word first came out about his passing, I was in absolute denial.
The last time I had interacted with him, we had chatted and eaten pizza. I saw the cool pictures he posted on Instagram and smiled whenever my friend posted tweets or stories about how much she loved her husband. I saw him tweet a couple of weeks ago.

Why? The question echoes in my head and I dont have an answer. Just quiet sadness. Maybe a little denial.

And then I see the posts my friend has put up since the announcement, and they are all about celebrating his life and the amazing experiences they shared together. Remembering the trips they had together, posting pictures of them smiling, hugging each other, his eyes sparkling with joy.
And I can't help but accept that maybe, just maybe, I have been looking at the picture from the wrong perspective all this time.

Maybe... it is not about enveloping ourselves in sadness because we believe those who pass away are not here anymore.
It is about celebrating their lives and everything they shared with us while they were here in physical form.

Every word of advice. Every smile. The last time we had a cup of coffee together, or maybe just a funny joke they shared with you.
Little details stick the most, at least in my experience.
And today, I would like to write short letters thanking those who might not be here in physical form anymore, but who still exist in my mind and in my heart, and whose lessons will never leave my side... just like their memory.

* * *

To my best friend from when I was child

I liked hanging out with you because you were smart, funny and easy to talk to. We played videogames and studied together, specially  because our mothers were very close friends.
I still think about how you were the one who explained to me what sex was (when we were in 6th grade, too) and how we would hide from our mothers while we explored the park after dark.
We met again shortly before your passing, and the reconnection made me realize I had been silly to stop talking to you for a while. I was too proud, back in the day. Your death taught me to no expect to have a guaranteed tomorrow to set things straight.
You were my first funeral. The first person I saw without life.
I left two rings by your coffin when I went to say goodbye.
I hope you liked them. They represented the friendship candy rings we had when we were children who played tag and hide and seek.
Thank you for being an amazing study partner and for teaching me what deep friendship was. I love you so much. I miss you. And I am sorry for pushing you away after I came back from my year away. I was just jealous you had moved on and found other friends. I wanted to be special, I guess. Silly me.
When you left, your mom was so sad...
She would call me to talk about you, and we would both constantly cry.
I know you were there for me at that japanese speech contest, you know?
I made my speech all about you and how you inspired me, even with your short life.
I felt you by my side during that speech, and just the memory of that moment is making me cry.
Thank you for being there, even when I can't see you anymore. I feel you and think about you constantly.
I have been happier the last couple of months, and I can sort of imagine you giving me the thumbs up and winking, just like how you used to do before you ran off to play soccer whenever you saw I was heading back to the library to read another book.
It's a little funny to me how we became such close friends when you were very into sports and a social butterfly, while I was just considered a nerdy girl who loved to read.
I hope you know how much I love you.
Always have and always will.

* * *
To my best friend's mother

I was going through my messages with you the other day, close to the day of your death anniversary.
You were always so proud and happy when any of us would mention your son.
I know it was hard to watch all of us grow up. I too, sometimes wondered how he would look like as a grown up.
I missed him lots, but I knew it was nothing compared to how you constantly longed for him.
To be honest, whenever we talked, I would hear his laughter in the back of my head. Memories of playing with him late after dark would creep up and I would smile through the tears.
I am sorry we hid from you so many times.
We just wanted to play a little longer... I am sure you will understand.
Your death, like his, was unexpected and a shock.
It was hard for me to understand why you would both decide to leave this world in such a way. A car crash. Unexpected. Quick.
Hard to comprehend.
But I know that he was there to receive you on the other end, and that even though your heart had healed from his passing, you felt whole again.
I love you both.
Thank you for the candy and for the constant invitations to be with you, as a grown family.
I hope you are both resting in peace, knowing that those of us who have yet to join the other side keep your legacy and your memory alive.
Sending hugs.


* * *
To the devoted mother

I know you are more my mother's friend than mine, but we really bonded during those 4 weeks you and your daughter came to Tokyo.
I remember your happy and excited energy, wanting to take pictures of everything and everyone. It was an honor and a privilege to be your guide.
Mom has been sad since your passing. After we got the news, I cried the most, but that is normal, I believe. I am always the crier in the family.
I have been thinking about your family a lot. Please, let me know if you want me to reach out. A dream, a thought, a song... I will keep my eyes open and my heart awake for any sign.
I know your passing was sudden, but I have learned that sometimes covid works that way.
I want to thank you for the last gift you gave me. I will use the Secret Gift bubblebath solution soon, once I am reunited with my boyfriend (yes, the one you asked my mother about. We are doing great and I know you would be happy to know our relationship has been growing stronger and stronger. You always rooted for me to find love and I have. Thank you for telling me over and over that I shouldn't give up).
Thank you for everything.
Sending you a hug.

* * *

To my friend's husband

I bet you would be proud to know that your name became trending topic on Twitter today. You touched so many lives! You changed a lot of mindsets.
I know we were not very close, but you always welcomed me with a smile. I promise that I will do my best to check up on her constantly, letting her know that I am there for her through these times.
I bet you were proud to share your life with such a strong and magnificent women. I admire her for her strength.
I told her this earlier, but I always thought of you guys as a power couple. I admire you both.
Thank you for leaving your mark in this world through your hard work. But most of all, thank you for loving my friend with your whole soul.
Rest in peace.

* * *

To my distant friend

When you passed early this year, I was in shock. I guess you were too. After all, the doctors had told you you still had a year left. It made no sense!
I cried so much my eyes got red. I think you wouldn't have approved. I'm sorry.
I think about you every now and then. Sometimes I close my eyes and think of your art. Your words. Your energy.
I loved your personality and the way you faced hardship after hardship. You always left me amazed.
I honor you and your legacy. Thank you for sharing with the world your talents and your strength.

* * *

This... was harder to write than I thought it would be.
But I am thankful that I have this space to share some words that otherwise would've just been said out loud and lost in my breath.

Earlier today, I had started my day worrying about things that now I realize.... are not really important.
Putting things into perspective, I realize now how blessed I am that I can hear my mom watching tv in the room next to me, or how happy I should be that I can hear my dad giving class downstairs.
In a little bit, I will have dinner and watch an anime episode with my sister (even though there will be some distance between us, since we are trying to keep distance from each other just to be safe) and right this moment, as I write this, my cat lies by my feet, purring in her sleep.

I have so many treasures around me that I used to take for granted.
But not anymore.
I will do everything in my power to protect and care for them. To let them know how much I love them.

If you read these words, please consider telling the people you care about that you love them.
Life is too short to not express the love we feel.
Those who have passed have taught me that.

And if my time comes, I would appreciate for someone to quote these words and remind those we remain this simple lesson I have learned the hard way: We have no guarantee that there will be a second chance for expressing that love we feel, so take the plunge and let it be.
Love is the real bond between this world and the unkown.
Love remains, no matter what. Try to express your love while you can.

M

NaNoWriMo 2020: A memoir project

November 1st is here.
And that can only mean one thing in this blog.
That’s right, ladies and gentleman.
NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) 2020 Edition starts noooow!

This first entry has a simple objective: To define the project for this year.
And well.. as I’m sure all of you know, 2020 hasn’t been... an easy year.
There have been a lot of ups and downs.
Significant changes happened.

I finally let go of things that didn’t have a place in my life anymore, but at the same time, I have faced more than one medical scare and well.. the anxiety and fear of living in a worldwide pandemic has also taken its toll on my mental health.

So, after thinking about it for a while, I have decided to allow NaNoWriMo to be exactly that which I have used it for since my first participation back in 2011: My outlet, my therapy, my way of putting into words conversations, experiences, fears, hopes and memories that are still fresh in my mind and that I believe hold some value and might be worth immortalizing through the written word.

The other day I was talking to Heazell on the phone and jokingly she said that I should start writing my memoir. And you know what? That is exactly what I’m gonna do.
I am going to write a memoir of 2020, because this is the year that has transformed me the most and... somehow, I think that I will enjoy reading some snippets of these crazy times to future generations, to let them know that yes, all of it was real, and that no, it wasn’t easy or well controlled, but still the human race found ways to persevere. Somewhat.

I don’t have a plan for this specific NaNoWriMo (which I know is not a great start) because I have been swamped at home with topics of utmost importance (like my recovery from emergency eye surgery and giving treatment to Google the cat to make sure she will definitely get better) but that means that everything that will be written and shared will be raw and real. Just how I like it.

When telling Richard about my project for this year, he asked me if I would write it in English or Spanish. I had no specific answer. Truth to be told, practically all my other NaNoWriMo projects have been written in Spanish. Maybe... just maybe... this time, I could challenge myself to try and use my English vocabulary to express all of the thoughts stuck in my head. This might make the process slower, but I like challenges and I definitely need to brush up on my English writing skills... so here we are.

So, for the people of the future who are interested in knowing how 2020 was... this is my version of it. This is my 2020 so far. The lessons, the fears, the challenges and the memories.

I share this with you because it keeps taking up space in my head and I feel like I need to set it free, put it out there in the world, and hope (just hope) that through this writing process, I can start healing and letting go of sad or scary memories that have kept me up at night for long periods of time. We have all been there, I guess. It’s just human to overthink things. To try and make sense of things as an attempt to put together a puzzle whose pieces are still incomplete.

If I had known how hard 2020 would be, I guess I would’ve spent less time complaining or worrying about things that, quite honestly, are not important.

2020 has taught me that we can never take things for granted, and that the level of our expectations almost exactly correlates to the level of our frustration when those expectations are not met.

So it has been a weird experiment, sitting down and facing the expectations I have kept in my heart and trying to accept that, even if things don’t work out as I expect, somehow, I will find a way to face the uncertainty and find peace and happiness at the end of the road. One day at a time.

One step at a time.


- Very Random Halloween Rant Incoming that has NOTHING to do with the purpose of this entry, but things just happened and I’m flowing with it. So here it is. A mini Halloween rant-

Right as I was writing this entry, I found out that some people I care about got together yesterday for Halloween.

And even though I would’ve probably stayed home and not attend the mini get together they had, I still felt a little hurt that they had organized a social event and that they didn’t tell me anything about it.

I mean, I had previously expressed that I would probably not attend a Halloween party, but I had very clearly expressed my wish to connect through a video call to say hi to everyone and woo at their costumes.

But... I guess it's just silly to feel sad or upset about things like that nowadays.

I shouldn’t let it bother me.

I know that if they didn’t tell me anything about it it was probably because they KNEW that I wouldn’t go and they probably wanted to keep it quiet in general, since getting together mid-pandemic is frowned upon (and for a very good reason, too. Cases have been spiking in Monterrey for the last couple of weeks).

But sometimes emotions are irrational. Sometimes, feeling hurt, even though your logic might be screaming over and over inside your head that you have absolutely no reason to feel upset, just happens. And then... you just have to scratch the surface and realize why you feel upset, the real reason behind your hurting.

Truth is, I don’t feel upset because they didn’t tell me about it or invite me (be it in person or in virtual form). I feel upset because I have started to feel that I am having my lost shot at a lot of things, and spending Halloween with that specific group of people (even though I would’ve joined virtually) is one of them.

Halloween 2019 was a blast. We got dressed, put on makeup and went to a Halloween party at an arcade. We drank beer, laughed, played arcade games, participated in a costume contest (which a very fat Thor won) and took hundreds of pictures, smiling, making silly faces, eating cookies, hanging out. I thought that maybe, from that point onward, Halloween would be a special group thing we did. I had an amazing time and I thought they did too. So in my logic, if they were going to get together for Halloween 2020, at least they would’ve let me know so that I could call in and maybe we could play a game virtually or just talk about their costumes and how they were doing.

But... guess I was wrong. My expectations were waaay off, lol. And that’s okay. Somehow, I managed to have a very fun Halloween, even though I didn’t really dress up, ate candy or took any pictures.

Well... actually, that might be a lie.
I took screenshots.
That counts as a picture, right? Hehe

Heis was kind enough to invite Richard, Marina and me to her virtual Halloween get-together last night. Liz, Mau, Clau and Heis were very welcoming and even translated some stuff to let Richard feel welcome, although he practically understood almost everything we said when we were speaking Spanish.

We played Among Us (for all of you future generations, Among Us was a game that became really big in 2020. You can Google it if you like, there are a lot of gameplays out there on Youtube). It was lots of fun!

In this entry I have attached some screenshots I took from last night. (Also, Richard was impostor once and he MURDERED ME).

Hanging out in the lobby with my love
Hanging out in the lobby with my love
Hanging out with Heis and my sis
Hanging out with Heis and my sis
Richard murdered me. RIP. (At least he won)
Richard murdered me. RIP. (At least he won)

 
I laughed a lot during that video call. We also had a very nice family dinner right after one hour of playing, and daddy opened a bottle of wine.

Halloween 2020 might’ve been waaay more chill than the Halloween I experienced in 2019, but looking back, I am grateful for the opportunity to bond and play with my friends online. I am also proud that Richard took up the challenge of playing the game for the first time ever IN SPANISH. The more I get to know him, the more I love him. When he says he wants to learn Spanish well, I know he means it. And it is my pleasure and my privilege that I can help him through that learning process, too.

All in all... I guess things worked themselves out, in a way.
I will work out my emotions and let go of my disappointment that I wasn’t notified of the other get together. It will be okay.

- End of Random Halloween Rant-

Anyway.. going back to the topic at hand, my goal for this year´s NaNoWriMo is to write about some important experiences that have shaped my life. I would also like to dedicate some of my entries to the people that I love who are no longer in this world, who have passed away during this year (be it from the disease or any other reason) because I want to honor them and the lessons that they shared with me.

Sadly, I would also like to write about stories that happened to people close to my heart who have contracted the virus and who shared with me their experiences. To be totally honest, when the virus outbreak first began, I started to read anecdotes or testimonies on Twitter about what it felt like to have the virus, but the truth is that the only solid conclusion I could come up with after reading all of those testimonies was that the virus varies from person to person, there is nothing set on stone and everything is uncertain in this life.

Which is not very comforting.

But because these persons are so close to me, they told me about their experiences with a lot of detail, and I think that it might be worth it to immortalize their experiences through this writing project (of course, I will ask for their permission and I will be using fake names, in order to protect their identities. The objective is to share the experience).



Future generations might wonder what it felt like to live during this time. This year´s NaNoWriMo will be 100% public (posted in this livejournal) and will just be a log, a journal, a memoir, a collection of anecdotes... all pertaining to this particular year.

A lot of it will be personal stuff, and to be totally honest, I am aware that this writing project is more self-indulgent than anything, but you know what? I deserve the space to write and rant about all of the crazy things that have happened this year. And even though no one might read it, I know it will help ME process a lot of things and well... that makes it worth it to me.

I will be patient. I will be kind to myself. Contrary to other years, I won’t push myself to reach the 50,000 words at the end of the month. I will just let things flow.


Let’s see what comes out of it.
One day at a time.

M

Wordcount: 1915


Emotional Check


¿Cómo me siento en este momento?

No puedo contestar esta pregunta sin pausar al menos 15 segundos para evaluar cómo me estoy sintiendo, ya que en ocasiones me pierdo entre tanto pensamiento y mi cabeza se siente un poco nublada. 

Los últimos meses han sido una montaña rusa de emociones. Aun no termino de procesar todo lo que ha cambiado y evolucionado en las últimas semanas. 

Lo que sí sé es que una parte de mi corazón llora. Más de una persona cercana ha dejado esta vida por el tema del COVID en las últimas semanas. Otras han estado en terapia intensiva y siguen luchando por su vida. 

Y a lo lejos, entre tanto dolor y caos, me ha tocado vislumbrar milagros, personas que logran sanarse completamente y que regresan a su vida con una nueva alegría y gratitud que permea incluso las actividades más mundanas. Una nueva oportunidad. Una nueva vida. 

Temo por mis padres. Por mis tíos. Por mi abuela. Por mis amigos. 

Me da nervio que mi pareja vaya a volar en menos de un mes para Mexico. (Si es que todo sale bien, claro). Me da emoción saber que está dispuesto a viajar para acompañarme a la boda de nuestros tocayos. 

Estoy emocionada y feliz porque Monse se va a casar. Estoy preocupada de pensar en estrategias para asegurar al 100% que nadie esté en riesgo.

Estoy feliz de estar de vuelta con mi familia y de sentir el caos y el calor de hogar (con Richard, había mucha serenidad y paz...Una parte de mi extrañaba el caos de un hogar 100% latino).  

Pero al mismo tiempo, he estado alejada de todos y seguiré en mi propia cuarentena una semana más antes de que se me permita salir de mi cuarto y estar dentro de la casa sin tapabocas o carilla. Eso significa que no hay contacto físico con nadie. No hay abrazos. 

Y si, sé que es para bien, sé que es sólo otra manera de tratar de protegerles, de cuidarles. 

Pero a veces si se siente un poquito solo estar así. Sin embargo, hay cosas más importantes que mis sentimientos de soledad pasajera. Prefiero no correr riesgos innecesarios. Prefiero exagerar. 

En particular, lo que más me ha afectado la última semana es la situación de Google. Cuando llegué, supe que algo estaba muy mal. La veterinaria nos dio una posibilidad de 50/50 de que Google pudiera mejorar. 

He perdido cuenta de la cantidad de veces que lloré y me despedí mentalmente de ella, una y otra vez, tratando de prepararme si es que en realidad le tocaba a mi gatita partir. Pero en los últimos días, Google ha mostrado mejoras. Ha vuelto a comer. Ha usado su caja de arena.  Pequeños milagros que me han hecho bailar y llorar de gratitud. Ahora sólo queda rezar y esperar que las mejoras continúen. 

Repito, hay una mezcla extraña de sentimientos. Me siento exhausta de tanto pensar, de tanto planear, de tanto temer. 

Pero entre tanto caos, hay un par de cosas que quiero reconocer:

1.) Me siento agradecida de que mis padres estén sanos y que tengo oportunidad de verles, aunque sea de reojo o por videollamada 

2.) 2020 ha sido un año pesado, pero también ha sido el año en el que más he crecido y más me he preparado para los siguientes pasos a donde la vida me quiera llevar

3.) El simple hecho de que me encuentro aquí escribiendo esto es una razón para estar agradecida. Y eso es algo que no quiero olvidar. 

A cada instante, cada paso, cada gesto... gratitud. Gratitud por estar. Por vivir. 

Por amar. 

M